Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Crazy Vet Lady

So today I had a record-breaking wtf experience.

This morning while groggy and retarded I took my snakes to the vet.

I showed up early so I was stuck for a long time sitting in the waiting room holding a giant heavy storage bin full of snakes, looking casual as fuck.

This elderly woman with acrylic nails and wearing a huge poofy knitted black sweater covered in cat hairs came in and sat across from me, and started staring at me.

I was in the middle of doing an awesome job at pretending not to notice her when she randomly walked over and sat down RIGHT up against me. Like cuddle rape. Like boob and thigh contact.This random cat lady had just started abruptly spooning me without so much as an icebreaker. I sat paralyzed in stunned confusion as she slowly reached into the box I was balancing on my crotch and started stroking the snakes and making gaspy sex noises that I guess were supposed to be her 'admiring a thing' noises. She then leaned in close to my ear and whispered "Snakes like me".

I sat there short-circuiting until the vet lady called her into the back and she hobbled off.

I then imploded.


Time for creepy fucking true story time!

So I just recently came back from a vacation with my parents and sister at Sequoia National Park. We had booked a cabin which on the website looked like a luxury 2-story wooden castle but which turned out to be a rotting shack crawling with spiders and radioactive mutant ants and also had no electricity and a toilet from which you had an idyllic view of the back of the fridge.

Anyway. The best part about this shack was the fact that it turned out to be ass far from nowhere in the middle of nothing. We literally had to drive for an hour and fifteen minutes through dense, uninterrupted woods on a rocky dirt road that pulled more G's than your average six flags ride in order to get to another building. We would frequently come across a flabbergasted-looking deer which would stare in paralyzed awe at us like we were aliens.

Let that sink in before I get to the creepy part. There was an hour and a half of 5-foot-wide BMX track between our propane-lit spider shelter and the next feeble attempt at a human structure.

So. I was driving my drunk parents up this road at the end of the day. It was like 9:00 and at that point it was pitch ass dark. The road/trail was lit only by starlight and the narrow swinging beam of the highbeams. I'd been driving for like 45 minutes. I was spacing a little bit. I steer the car around a hairpin corner and illuminate the next patch of pitch darkness with the headlights.

There in the distance, standing on the edge of the trailroad, was a human.

I'd seen several deer and two bears at this point. And there stood a human.

What the fucking fuck. Why is this guy here. I short circuited. It's literally pitch fucking dark. There are no houses. It took me 45 minutes to come this far in a fucking jeep. Where the fuck. How the fuck. And this was not just any human! This was a lanky, filthy, tall white man with white blond hair that stood up like he'd just been struck by lightning. He had no flashlight, no hiking gear, there was no car. He wasn't walking. He wasn't even facing uphill. He was, in fact, turned directly toward me and was making eye contact from the moment my lights fell on him.

This dude had giant, bulging, insect-like bloodshot BLUE eyes and was staring right motherfucking at me.

I thusly began shrieking bloody murder and crying slightly. My family shat. I shat. It took a long ass time to get past the motherfucker. He stayed staring at me the whole time. He was smiling slightly. He panned along with the car as we passed and when I looked in the rearview after we'd gotten by, he was still facing us and disappearing into complete inky darkness.


The end.